Holy Shit, I Don’t Know What I Want Anymore

As a kid, I always knew what I wanted. I was focused. I had a plan. Not just in the “one day, I’ll be successful” kind of way, but in the “here’s how I get there, here’s what it’ll look like, here’s what comes next” kind of way.

Even when I took risks, they weren’t reckless. I always had something to fall back on. I always had a sense of control.

But now? For the first time in my life, I don’t know what I want.

And it’s fucking terrifying.

For the past four years, I was in a relationship that shaped so much of how I saw my future. We got together a month after I moved to California, and from that moment on, we were just… together.

For so long, when I imagined my future, it wasn’t just my future… it was ours. Being in a relationship for four years meant that every long-term thought I had included my partner. I never planned for a life that didn’t have him in it. And now, I have to.

To be so real…. I feel completely ass out right now.

We saw each other through a lot… miscarriages, abortions, loss of loved ones, graduating school, moving back to his hometown. We built a life in the way that people do when love is real and full and undeniable.

And it was real. It is real.

There was grief, there was loss, there was healing, and through it all, we showed up for each other. Maybe not always perfectly, maybe at times too much (self-admittedly, you could even call it codependent) but we did what we could with what we had. And I’ll always be grateful for that.

At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I never struggled with feeling like a priority. When you love someone who works full-time and is in school full-time, whereas your life on its own, has a bit more flexibility, you tell yourself to be understanding. And I was understanding. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt sometimes. That doesn’t mean I didn’t wish for more effort, more presence, more of whatever it was that would have made me feel chosen in a way that wasn’t just assumed but deeply felt.

Through therapy, through long, honest conversations, I know now that he sees it too. That he’s realizing the ways he was misaligned, the ways he didn’t show up in the way I needed. And that’s been healing in its own way, to know I wasn’t just making it up in my head, that my needs weren’t unreasonable, that my feelings were valid.

But even with all of that, I know that where we are right now just… isn’t aligned.

The hardest part is that this breakup wasn’t because of some big betrayal, some moment of unforgivable hurt. We don’t hate each other. We still love each other. We’re moving through this in the healthiest way we can. And sometimes, that almost makes it worse… because it would be easier to leave something that was broken beyond repair. Instead, we’re leaving something that still holds so much love, but just isn’t aligned anymore.

When you love someone, when you’ve built a life with them, when you’ve grown up together in a way, it’s hard to step away.

It’s hard to acknowledge that love alone isn’t always enough. That care and history and deep, deep knowing don’t always mean you’re meant to keep moving forward together.

Who knows… maybe one day, we’ll find our way back to each other. But that day isn’t today.

And right now, I feel the need to retreat.

To go back home. To find something that feels familiar. To save money. To figure out my next steps, my exit plan… because this country isn’t my final destination chile.

The truth is, I don’t even think the U.S. can be my final destination.

And it’s also hard to sit with the fact that so many of the things I once wanted for myself have shifted. Not just slightly—drastically. As fuck.

Like, how do I even dream of a future when the world is like this? Trump 2.0, the fascism of it all, the cost of living being an absolute joke… none of this feels sustainable.

A few months ago, my friend was telling me that they were thinking about moving in with family, and I remember telling them, “Now’s the time to lean on your people. We tried that hyper-independent, Miss-Independent bullshit, and it’s not always what’s best. Lean on your people.”

And now? I’m in the same position. Trying to take my own advice (even though it’s sooooooooooo hard).

I’ve even thought about going back to school, but for what? A school with no Black Student Union? No humanities programs worth engaging in? What am I supposed to study in a country that feels like it’s actively stripping away the things I care about? It’s not that I don’t want to keep learning, I do. But the thought of where and how to do that feels impossible to figure out right now.

It’s not just the big decisions that feel overwhelming either… it’s the small ones, too. I can’t even imagine keeping my cat because I don’t know if I want to be home for three months or three years. I don’t know if I want to put down roots or disappear and travel the world for a while. I just don’t know.

For a long time, I thought I wanted marriage, kids, a family. But the more I sit with it, the more I realize that maybe I wanted those things because I thought I had to.

Because I thought that was the only way to build something stable, the only way to prove that I could be better than what I was taught. The only way to create the family I never had. But do I actually want to be someone’s wife? Do I actually want to be someone’s mother? I don’t know…

Or was I just clinging to those ideas because they felt like a guarantee of love, of survival? Right now, I don’t have the answers, and I’m learning to be okay with that.

Through all of this, I’ve realized how hard I’ve been on myself. I’ve spent so much time trying to do everything on my own, trying to prove that I could do it alone.

I’ve isolated myself, thinking I had to figure everything out without leaning on anyone. But that’s not sustainable. It never was. I have failed to be gentle with myself in so many ways, and now, the only thing I can do is try to do better.

For so long, my love for myself has been rooted in survival. It’s what got me here, what kept me going, what helped me make decisions and push forward.

But I don’t want to love myself just on the basis of survival anymore. I want to love myself in ways that feel soft, in ways that feel nourishing, in ways that aren’t just about making it through. And as much as I have loved and supported my partner, as much as we have been there for each other, this is something only I can do for myself.

I feel so much fear, so much instability. I’m scared to get on a plane. Scared to be questioned at the airport. Scared that my loved ones will be deported. Scared that I won’t have a job. Scared that I’ll never get my footing again.

It feels like everything is slipping through my fingers, and for the first time, I don’t have a next step.

And yet…there’s something else in me, too.

For the first time, I feel as young as I actually am.

My entire life, I’ve felt older than I am.

Not necessarily always in a physical way, but in the way that comes from carrying too much, too soon.

In the way that makes you feel like you never really got to just be.

But now, I feel it. The reality that I am young. That I don’t have to have it all figured out! That maybe, just maybe, I can let go a little (or a lot).

And that’s terrifying as shit… I’ve never been more scared in my life honestly. But it’s also freeing.

Right now, I don’t know what I want.

And right now, that has to be enough.